not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
