We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
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