I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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