I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
