so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
