somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
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