dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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