I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
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