and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
