Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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