I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
