New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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