In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Randomize
