i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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