Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
