eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
