I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
