Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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