Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
