I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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