Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
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He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
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So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize