I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
