Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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