you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Randomize
