I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Can you repeat that, but with context?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Randomize
