Small penises have feelings too.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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