literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
