I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Randomize
