I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
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