I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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