Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
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It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
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They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
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