Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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