clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
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