remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
