In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
