he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Randomize
