I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Randomize
