remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
