Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
