the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
