I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
