I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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