The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
