Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
