y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I wish they made helmets for livers.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
