dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
