Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
