Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
