I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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