OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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