fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
