the condom got lost in my hair
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
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