This girl is more easily done than said...
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
