Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
