So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
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