I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
