You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
