I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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