Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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