I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
