Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Randomize
