I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
