Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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