I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
