So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
