What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Your dad touched me again.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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