i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
