college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Randomize
