my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
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