So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
