Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize