I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
