my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
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